Free Taylor Swift Tickets!!!
Well, I don’t actually have free tickets to Taylor Swift.
Or am I?
You will have to keep reading to find out.
(I don’t…but please keep reading anyway.)
Here’s the thing: unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’re at least aware of Taylor Alison Swift’s existence.
The absurdly talented singer-songwriter has become an institution in recent years, with the latest Iras Tour developing into a cultural phenomenon as it made its way through NFL stadiums across the country.
This got me thinking: Taylor is an institution. Fantasy football is an institution! Taylor is an Eagles fan. I’m a fan of eagles! Taylor grew up in Yomesing, Pennsylvania. I grew up and went to college near Wyomissing, PA! Taylor spent his childhood vacations in Stone Harbor, New Jersey. I still take family vacations in Stone Harbor, New Jersey! Taylor is a very famous and talented star. I … well, actually, let’s stop there …
Taylor’s songs are known for their deep meanings, connections to her life, and references to other people (often celebrities), so I thought it might be fun to compare her to people (mostly celebrities) who have a deep connection to my/our life: fantasy football players!
Am I the first expert in the world on the case of America’s sweetheart? no I’m not! In fact, I recently attended Taylor Swift’s trivia locally here in Connecticut, and while I did get a good set, let’s just say… I wasn’t even close to winning.
So bear with me — and keep an eye out for Easter eggs — as I compare a few dozen hits to the fantasy football players we’ll be looking at on Draft Day in 2023.
“we are never ever getting back together”
“I mean, it’s exhausting, you know, like we’re never going to get back together. Like ever.”
We head out of the gates shooting with Taylor announcing that she’s permanently finished with Jake “Donnie Darko” Gyllenhaal. 28 days, 6 hours, 42 minutes, 12 seconds. This is when the world will end…Also roughly how long Akers has been away from the Rams during the 2022 regular season. Akers had all the makings of a breakout player (I was all there) but he was unpopular with Sean McVay prior to the week The former was inactive for most of the season. That was until he called us back and said “I still love you” before Week 13 and went on to score the sixth most fantasy points among routine players over the last six weeks of the season. Akers seems to be locked in as the Rams advantage is back, but I can’t risk that pain again. Cell door.
“bad blood”
“Because, my dear, we now have bad blood. You know it was mad love.”
“Bad blood” is treason. Taylor was betrayed by Katy Perry (or so the story was), while our betrayal came courtesy of Aaron Rodgers. The Hall of Famer ranked 13th or better in the PPG fantasy contest during each of his first 14 seasons as an NFL starter (ninth or better in 13 of those campaigns) before dropping to #25 in 2022. Even without his BFF Davante Adams Rodgers’ autobiography suggested his match was a production QB1 running back. Instead, he failed to reach 20 fantasy points in a single game. Rodgers is now 39 and no longer adding value to his legs, so while a trade in the Jets could allow for a better season, bandages don’t fix bullet holes. swish.
“get rid of”
“I’m just going to shiver. Shake it, shake it.”
Like Rodgers, Jonathan Taylor was a huge disappointment last season. Unlike Rodgers, Taylor’s underperformance was primarily injury-related (not to mention his appalling support staff for most of the season). I don’t know much about you, but I’m ready to shake this up and prepare for a big rebounding drive in 2023. During his breakout 2021 season, Taylor never missed a beat and was lightning on his feet (I’m starting to get the hang of this), clearing 2,000 yards, and scoring 20. TDs and lead all RBs in fantasy points. Despite similar use per game, his efficiency and production plummeted last season (1,004 yards and four TDs with six games missed). Taylor is an elite runner, at just 24, and should be the centerpiece of an offense led by new coach Shane Steichen and rookie QB Anthony Richardson. It’s like I got this music in my head saying it would be okay for Kyle Bates too.
“everything has changed”
“I just wanna know you better, know you better, know you better now.”
new relationship? love at first sight? Do you want to know new love better? You can interpret this song in many ways, but each of these interpretations applies to the most iconic rookie in fantasy football history. The #8 pick in the April draft, Robinson has been placed in the Falcons’ heavy running position and will cost you a first-round pick in the 2023 fantasy draft. Is that too rich for a player we just met? History says no: All six RBs drafted in the top 10 in the NFL Draft since 2011 have finished their rookie season in the top 15 in PPG’s fantasy draft (three of them finished in the top 5). So throw away your greatest hopes and hop on the Robinsons hype train…or, should I say, hype trampoline.
“you belong with me”
“Can’t you see that I…was here the whole time. Why can’t you see?”
This one is pretty simple if you’ve seen any rom-coms coming: The girl next door goes unnoticed by the boy she likes, who’s dating the popular girl. Can we think of an underrated and/or overlooked player sleeping on it while everyone else is distracted and mesmerized by it? How about a Rookie RB selected 12th overall (Gibbs) who could be in fantasy drafts close to 30 or so after fellow rookie RB selected 8th overall (Robinson)? Don’t get me wrong—I’m on board with Robinson’s hype (see “Everything Has Changed,” above), but the Gibbs could prove to be a better value. The ultra-fast Alabama product (Parker Kligerman would be jealous) was groomed to take on a major role in the Lions’ backyard that led the league in fantasy RP points (501) in 2022. Even Kanye would agree that Gibbs is a legitimate fantasy rookie of the year nominee.
“i knew you were trouble”
“Because I knew you were trouble when I walked in.” So, shame on me now. “
Taylor knows Harry Styles is a problem, and there’s a lesson to be learned here about ignoring red flags in fantasy football. Jacobs was a player seen as a huge red flag last season (speculation that Josh McDaniels would set up a backcourt committee), but McDaniels’ arrival actually proved to be a green flag (Jacobs led the NFL in touches and yards). That heavy use, which included a league-high 340 campaigns, was good for 2022 but a major concern going forward. I won’t get into the data too much here (I will in a future column), but here’s the point in a nutshell: Of the past 20 RBs to carry the ball 300 times and play the following season, only eight finished in the top 12 in fantasy points the following year (four were the top five). An early round of ADP for Jacobs could be a problem, problems and problems.
“anti-hero”
“It’s me, hey, I’m the problem, it’s me.”
This song is about all the things we don’t like about ourselves that we need to get over. As a fantasy community, we just kind of love Kadarius Toney and we can never let go. The 2021 first-round pick struggled to stay on the field for a season and a half with the Giants before barely seeing the field after being traded to the Chiefs last season. The man reached 14 points in Fantasia – two! Professional matches. So why all the fuss? Tony has looked electrified when called upon and has a path to the No. 1 wide party in the Chiefs’ pass-heavy, high-scoring offense. The ceiling is huge, but the floor is laughing the hell out of us. I’m a guilty party here – I’ve turned down plenty of aggressive dynastic trade offers – and I clearly shouldn’t be left to my own devices.
“He should have said no.”
“You should have said, ‘No,’ you should have gone home. You should have thought twice before letting it all go.”
Many believe that Taylor wrote this song about her cheating ex-boyfriend for her debut album in 2006, but I’m here to debunk that theory. The truth is, she can travel back in time and she wrote it on a Christmas tree farm in December 2023 while contemplating the fantasy directors who penned Michael Bateman Jr. The fourth-year vet is a good receiver, but fails to produce a Top 20 hit. An imaginative campaign despite the sheer scale of last season. That volume is down (perhaps dramatically) this season in a new offense and with a rookie QB under center. Taylor wrote this song in 20 minutes, and you’ll derail your fantasy season in 20 seconds if you spend a valuable early pick on Bateman this summer.
“love story”
“Don’t be afraid, we’ll get out of this mess. It’s a love story, honey. Just say, ‘Yeah.'”
Sometimes the scary decision is the right one and you just have to be brave and hit the draft button. It might make you a little tough to pick a player who just set an NFL record for most receptions in a season (85) without a single touchdown last season, but I’m here to tell you to “just say yes” to Diontae Johnson this season. Not lacking in TDs earlier in his career (20 in his first three seasons), Pittsburgh’s MVP is one of the best rushers in the league, sees plenty of runs, and is a QB (Kenny Pickett) a candidate for a big jump in his sophomore season. Joe Jonas used his phone to say “no” to Taylor, but you can use your phone (the impudent ESPN Fantasy app plug) to say “yes” to a league title this season. And unlike him, you can do it in less than 27 seconds (oh, hey, another “time” joke).
“change”
“Tonight we’ll stand up, and get on our knees. Fighting for what we’ve worked for all these years. And it’s been a long fight, it’s the fight of our lives. But we’ll stand up as champions tonight.”
This is a song about Taylor’s perseverance by escaping her first tag (alternate song title suggestion: “Rage Against the (Big) Machine”), but for us, it’s an attempt to show perseverance for Hall (and Javonte Williams…and Zach Ertz.. and Kyler Murray et al) while recovering from an ACL tear he suffered last season. Hall was a lights out before the injury, ranking sixth among RBs in fantasy points and having five consecutive top-15 performances. We have to worry about declining effectiveness in the short term, but Hall’s recovery is on track, he’s only 22 and 2022 seems to suggest he – just like Taylor – is the real deal. It seems more and more every day as if he was on the field in the first week. And we will sing hallelujah.
surprise songs
This is getting a bit long, but we obviously need to get this list down to 13 — Taylor’s lucky number — so here are a few surprise songs to round out our list:
Track 11: “All Too Well” – Clyde Edwards-Helaire
“You may have asked for too much, but this thing was probably a masterpiece until you ripped it all off.”
Track 12: “The 1” – Zack Moss
“It would have been fun if I were you.”
Track 13: “Death with a Thousand Cuts” – Cortlandt Sutton
“Now I’m looking for signs in a haunted club.”