The Boston Celtics aren’t your average employee, but I thought it might be amusing if someone could write an article treating them this way. All we need is someone who works professionally in the world of human resources and has very few hobbies or interests outside of basketball and work. In other words, we need a boring corporate drone. This is where you come in.
A performance improvement plan, if you’re lucky enough not to know it, is a tool (weapon) that HR uses to train (intimidate) an employee to perform better. Often identifies the employee’s weaknesses and provides helpful guidance (strict directives) on how to improve (or otherwise) the employee. And with that background I present to you the Boston Celtics’ Fiscal Year 2024 Improvement Plans, complete with company terminology!
Writer’s Note: These are written like an annual evaluation; It came off very negative as a strict PIP. Bear with me here, folks!
Luke Cornet
Section – deep seat
The Role – Senior backup
- We appreciate that Luke has some physical limitations that dictate his skill set and we take pride in doing what he’s given. Luke has thrived as a great offense leader and often teamed with our best pick-and-roll performers. He even climbed to the 98th percentile as a finisher. Great job, Luke!
- We’d like to see Luke put more of his team-oriented focus on cleaning the glass. We know he’s not a glamorous act, but for his size, he really should do better. He was second last in rebounds per 36 minutes on the team (behind the soon-to-be retiree), and died last in defensive rebounds every 36 minutes. We think that’s some hanging fruit that Luke can quickly rectify and really help the team.
- We’d also like to see Luke return to the skill set he highlighted on his resume that could really be a value-add: three-point shooting. We know he hit the biggest 3s of any seven-footer ever in college, but Luke didn’t bring that to the professional environment. We ask him to work with some of our in-house trainers to hone his craft. This can really unlock his utility in offense and clear the path for bench units. If you are unable to improve in either of these areas, preferably both, we may have to engage in further discipline, up to and including termination.
We wish you a wonderful summer!
Peyton Pritchard
Section – deep seat
Role – shooter seat
- Payton has been a valued employee of the team for two straight years, but has run into some troubles this past fiscal year. We understand that the addition of several new hires in director positions has pushed Payton down the selection pecking order, but that’s no excuse for the outright publicly expressed discontent. Payton is welcome to contact HR offline and we can refer to his general request. We hear there are some job openings in our Houston and Detroit offices that he might be interested in.
- We have very few complaints about the court’s efforts. Every time Payton was asked to be involved in a project, he did an amazing job, even if it wasn’t always perfect.
- If Payton is not transferred this summer, we really need him to work on diversifying his attacking skill set. He’s overly reliant on offensive problem-solving in one way: the 3-second shootout. We recommend focusing on his pick-and-roll game. He’s already got a foundation for his go-to tool – deep step back (about 40% from 25 to 29 feet this year!) – so if he can improve his ability to attack adults or split hedges/traps, that could really be a weapon for him. Given his defensive limitations, if Payton doesn’t add something to his offensive game, we may have to engage in more discipline, including finishing.
We wish you a wonderful summer!
Sam Hauser
Section – rotation seat
Center – wing shooter
- Sam is still a relatively new addition to the team, but we’re excited about what the future might hold for him. He early proved himself adept at some very important duties: making triads and standing in defense of the Solitude.
- However, this year has not been without its challenges for Sam. He had the lowest rebounding percentage of any non-guard on the team, and while we understand some of that is due to physical limitations, we’d really like to see Sam improve at boxing and securing the boards. We don’t think this is an effort issue, and hopefully with more experience Sam can read the play better and position himself more appropriately.
- Where Sam really needs to make the next move, though, is on the offensive end. We don’t expect him to compete with the top earners and the most sought after, but Sam has a few ways he can improve. We highly recommend that Sam spend many CPE hours watching Duncan Robinson. Sam can really start using shooting to open up lanes for himself, or to pump his rigging, teleport, and then shoot three. Just like Robinson does in the video example we provided below. It’s less about Sam gaining new skills, and more about using his elite skill to make the game easier on himself. However, if Sam is unable to change the ways in which he attacks in the next year, we may have to engage in further discipline, up to and including dismissal.
We wish you a wonderful summer!
Daniel Gallinari
Section – rotation seat
Center – wing scorer
- We really missed Danilo this year! He’s been forced to take a year’s medical leave, but we hope he can get back on the team soon.
- There was a wonderful 6’10” Italian hole punch on the team, and we could have really taken advantage of his unique putt-scoring and putt-shooting abilities. Often when our top performer, Jason Tatum, sat down, the offense would fizzle out. We think Danilo can really help in this regard.
Gallo solves a lot of the problems we were hoping Brogdon would (it can make you an effective offense without Tatum on the ground). He’s an absurdly versatile scorer and it would be very nice if he came back healthy. pic.twitter.com/UG7zsoWiZS
– Wayne Spoony (@WSpooney) June 8, 2023
- If there’s one thing we want Danilo to work on before he gets back into the office, it’s trying to get back to 100%. We know he’s getting close to the age to calculate how much is saved in his 401(k), so it’s absolutely imperative that he doesn’t let an injury end his career. Missing a step now might be the end of it, but we’re here to help.
We are happy to refer Danilo to our in-house medical team to help manage his return to work, and we can’t wait to go over the different touch points and pain points that Danilo can help with. However, if Danilo does not take his return seriously and/or misses a step, we may have to engage in further discipline, up to and including termination.
We wish you a wonderful summer!